If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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