So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize