Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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