when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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