last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
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i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
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I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
My vagina is very pro this idea
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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