my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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