A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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