im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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