I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.