Texts From Last Night

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  (240): View more from Maryland

  this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.

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  (240): this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday. http://tfl.nu/pumo
  Replies (30) Good night (12247) Bad night (1004)
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  (941): View more from Florida

  can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?

  (1-941): View more from Florida

  idk, I had a turtle in mine.

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  (941): can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat? (1-941): idk, I had a turtle in mine. http://tfl.nu/ag7m
  Replies (30) Good night (3852) Bad night (5587)
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  (315): View more from New York

  They're like penises that have been put in a blender.

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  (315): They're like penises that have been put in a blender. http://tfl.nu/9hz0
  Replies (25) Good night (793) Bad night (5318)
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...

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  (270): I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in... http://tfl.nu/1w40
  Replies (8) Good night (4081) Bad night (962)
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week

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  (+44): He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week http://tfl.nu/00sr
  Replies (13) Good night (1391) Bad night (4001)
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  (518): View more from New York

  Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.

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  (518): Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip. http://tfl.nu/y6yl
  Replies (9) Good night (3418) Bad night (1167)
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.

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  (937): The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it. http://tfl.nu/hbg0
  Replies (9) Good night (2606) Bad night (971)
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?

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  (860): Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night? http://tfl.nu/99ew
  Replies (4) Good night (755) Bad night (1469)
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.

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  (906): I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night. http://tfl.nu/lw8f
  Replies (3) Good night (1204) Bad night (629)
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  (360): View more from Washington

  He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.

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  (360): He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning. http://tfl.nu/j239
  Replies (0) Good night (716) Bad night (1135)
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  (360): View more from Washington

  that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...

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  (360): that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem... http://tfl.nu/rc3g
  Replies (12) Good night (2440) Bad night (670)
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  He would drink pee if it was in a beer can

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  (815): He would drink pee if it was in a beer can http://tfl.nu/8ib0
  Replies (16) Good night (490) Bad night (1037)
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.

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  (919): Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties. http://tfl.nu/7t6a
  Replies (9) Good night (1684) Bad night (449)
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  (925): View more from California

  Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?

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  (925): Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early (401): You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him? http://tfl.nu/zkzj
  Replies (4) Good night (2770) Bad night (443)
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me

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  (405): Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me http://tfl.nu/dotn
  Replies (0) Good night (351) Bad night (168)

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