my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize