I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
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