If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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