As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
