I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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