Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize