On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
