The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
