I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
