i permit you to call me
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
