You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
