wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
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Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
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Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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