It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
