At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
