don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
