I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
