omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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