Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
