I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
