Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I wish there were birth control emojis
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
