Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Randomize
