does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
