I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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