i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I intend to get homeless drunk
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
