just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I just gargled with NyQuil
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
