after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
