I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
