you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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