Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
