Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
