we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Also, beer. Big fan.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
