Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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