Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
