I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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