"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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