Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
