You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
