and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
