woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
