i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
