he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
they're like a gay fantastic four
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
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well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
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Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize