Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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