i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
