imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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