all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
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He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
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I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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