There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
