You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
